Writers Block.long time since my last poem.critique please?
I have a bad case of writers block!
I need to show you what it means to be who you are,
I’ve been living a lie and I want to make things right.
You see my heart separates every time I let you in,
So now look at me and tell me where should I begin.
I am a maniac who is in his right mind,
So tell me how can I leave myself behind.
I smoke, I drink, I try and be someone I’m not,
Cause in the end, it’s the only god damn thing I’ve got.
I have my girlfriend she is losing time,
She’s dwelling on me when I was in my prime,
Well today I sit before the jury of a court of loneliness,
That’s right I am on trial for taking to the rest.
Hey love affair wont you sing me to sleep,
I want to see what I’m like in my dreams.
Will any mirror reflect my own face,
I figure it out, am I really such a disgrace.
I hurt, I bleed, and I have seen everything,
So what makes the difference between you and me.
I guess I can admit that in this world I mean nothing,
I can’t wait till you relies this to.
- ØFFAFØ (SPREAD THE LOVE)
Tags: Bad Case, Dwelling, Girlfriend, God, Heart, Loneliness, Maniac, Mirror, Sleep, Writer's Block
December 5th, 2008 at 1:45 pm
Your little flying machine flutters, floats…and then flops. I wanted a more powerful ending. You are a good writer. Your rhythm here is very tight.
December 9th, 2008 at 12:34 am
well you dont indcate on a personal note that this is more creative rather than serious personal emotional distress so it scares me a little. like I posted some lyrics that yahoo took off like I knew they would because I am on the hit list. but it was kind of gloomy but it was in retrospect of something and I told people that so they wouldnt call 911 for me to take in to st lukes behavioral health care system.
if u take the “i drink i somke” out of there its really pretty dang GOOD
December 11th, 2008 at 4:06 am
so far so good, this is just my personal preference but try to use more multi-sylable rhymes.
ie: rest away, stressed to say ; emulate, tell them wait, etc.
also talk about your future, like what you expect to achieve or what you will do with your life.
December 11th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
It doesnt sound like you have writers block to me this is great. Im really excited to be reading great poetry maybe I will try writing some too!
December 12th, 2008 at 3:36 pm
Apart from the ending, I like this.
The second to last paragraph is very good. It has a good idea and you deliver it well, but I’d think about changing the last one. I think the last line isn’t very original, as many poems end like this, so I’d try for something bolder.
Whenever I get writer’s block, I take some paper and a pen with me everywhere I go and any chance I get, I write down anything, as random as they are sometimes, that comes to mind. It’s a good way to capture emotions and I find that it takes the stress out of writer’s block.