WRITERS BLOCK! Could you help me?
I’ve been writing and writing the last few days, and now, the inevitable nightmare of all writers has returned… writer’s block.
I’m stuck on the sentence below. It sounds so amateur and I just can’t do anything to fix it. The sentence is driving me crazy, and I haven’t been able to write anything else. If I could just fix this sentence, I think I’ll be able to continue with the rest of my story.
Could anyone expand this sentence, or modify bits that don’t sound right? (In the story, the car crashes, with the main character – a young girl – and her father inside. The father dies, but the girl survives. This sentence is part of a flashback.)
*The cars span out of control and crashed, the chorus of scathing metal and screams was worse than the pain itself.*
I’m writing in past tense – “The car SPAN…”
I’m also writing in first person, from the perspective of the teenage girl.
I’d like the sentence to be expanded, if anyone can help.
Oops, you’re totally right, I’ve mixed up my tenses. I’ll fix it up. It’s in past tense.
Oh goodness. Sorry, I don’t know what’s wrong with my writing today. There’s only one car.
Thanks for all the advice!! I made so many silly mistakes. Trust me, my writing is usually not this horrific.
- Samantha
Tags: Cars, Flashback, Oh Goodness, Perspective, Silly Mistakes, Teenage Girl, Tense, Tenses, Writing In First Person, Young Girl
December 14th, 2008 at 5:32 am
What tense are you writing in?
Either way, you need to simplify that sentence.
Present tense:
The car spins out of control and crashes, and the chorus of scathing metal is worse than the pain itself.
Past tense:
The car spun out of control and crashed, and the chorus of scathing metal was worse than the pain itself.
December 15th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
first of all, is this supposed to be written in present tense or past tense?
’span’ and ‘crashed’ are in the past tense (is span supposed to be spun? like, past of to spin?), but ’screams’ is in the present tense, and then ‘was worse’ is back in the past tense…
so first, i’d choose a tense
also, is there more than 1 car? ‘cars span’ sounds weird, but that might be because of the word span itself..
also, you say that ‘the chorus of scathing metal and screams was worse than the pain itself’, but you do not earlier indicate that you’d compare them. like, saying that it’s worse than the pain itself, but earlier you didn’t reference the pain, so the itself part doesn’t really fit. sorry if that was unclear, idk how to explain very well
sorry if this sounded mean too, i don’t intend for it to be, just trying to help! good luck with your story and writers block!
December 17th, 2008 at 7:37 am
As the car spun out of control, the chorus of scathing metal and my father’s shouts ended with a finale consisting of one deafening crash. The nose was worse than the pain itself.
okay so its not great but it is the best i could do with not knowing where you were going with the flash back. hope it helps.
December 18th, 2008 at 11:29 pm
With past tense, “the car SPUN”…
“Suddenly the car was spinning out of control. The sreeching metal, and ear splitting screams made me unconscious to the pain inflicted on my body from hitting the dashboard with incredible force.”
December 20th, 2008 at 11:41 am
I would say the following..The cars spun out of control crashing into the concrete wall making a loud noise of scraping metal, exploding glass and human screams; The combination of which was worse than the pain itself
December 21st, 2008 at 11:44 pm
“The cars spun out of control and crashed; the chorus of scathing metal and screams became worse than the pain itself.”
also, the past tense of spin is spun, not span.
December 24th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
“The car SPUN out of control and crashed. The chorus of grinding metal and earsplitting screams erased the pain and fulfilled every corner of my mind”
December 26th, 2008 at 9:07 am
U R somewhat outa control with mixed tenses, inappropriate terms and mixed metaphors– I’m not trying to be too critical, just ‘tough love’.
To get it right (possibly) say:
“The two cars spun out of control and crashed, and to her, the mixed clamor of screeching metal and passenger’s screams was worse than the ensuing pain itself.”
“scathing” is descriptive of severe criticism; just adding a few clarifying nouns and adjectives clears up the issues. Substitute “clamor” for “chorus” to stress the less-than-melodic uproar of the crash.