Comments on: I would like a critique for this rough draft I’m writing for my creative fiction writing class? http://languageisavirus.com/questions/i-would-like-a-critique-for-this-rough-draft-im-writing-for-my-creative-fiction-writing-class creative writing questions and answers Sun, 21 Mar 2010 05:27:56 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.9.2 hourly 1 By: Azriel http://languageisavirus.com/questions/i-would-like-a-critique-for-this-rough-draft-im-writing-for-my-creative-fiction-writing-class/comment-page-1#comment-16361 Azriel Sat, 31 Oct 2009 23:49:21 +0000 http://languageisavirus.com/questions/i-would-like-a-critique-for-this-rough-draft-im-writing-for-my-creative-fiction-writing-class#comment-16361 Far too wordy. The first sentence is redundant. I advise changing it to "Atop this hill is where I lost everything precious to me." (Everything and anything doesn't make sense. Would you ever say "I lost anything precious to me" ? That's just odd.) "It’s atop this hill where the only reason I kept moving forward stopped pushing me and ceased moving altogether. " This is also redundant and awkwardly worded. I'd say you could actually use "lost" again and it would help emphasize the loss. "It's atop this hill where I lost my only reason to keep moving forward." "It was atop this hill that I decided to find out who did this and it is upon this very hill that I will take them and judge them for what they have done to me…for what they did to her. " You switched from "it is" to "it was" it would be best to stick with one or the other. You're talking about the past, so "was" is ok, but you're also on the hill now, so "is" is ok also, but don't switch between the two randomly. Also, I would change "judge" to "punish" because you've already judged that they need to pay for what they did, it's just the punishing or bringing to justice that needs to happen still. "This time however she wouldn’t move when I nudged her, she would answer when I said her name, and she no longer was there to console me when the tears came." Hmm, this doesn't flow well. First, I think the order of things is odd. If you see someone lying somewhere possibly asleep maybe dead, the first thing you do is call their name, no? I'd switch it around a little to something like "She didn't answer when I called her name, didn't respond when I touched her, and now she's not here to console me when the tears come." I don't care for "and she no longer was there to console me when the tears came" because she actually IS there, she's just dead. And if she were there alive, you wouldn't be crying, so it seems odd to say you were crying over someone who is dead and they're not there to comfort you over their own death. I don't think that finding someone dead and sitting with their body smoking is a natural thing to do. Unless it's during some sort of war where people are getting killed all the time and you already know there's nothing that can be done, nobody to come take her body to get buried. "Ever since that day I return to this hill. I return to this hill and I lay down in the spot where I found her. " You need to specify how often. You can't say just, "I return to this hill." You can say "I return to this hill every day." Or "I return to this hill every year on the day she was killed." Or "I have returned to this hill now to think." A time needs to be specified though. There were also some spelling errors but a spell checker can help you with that. Good luck with your story, I'm not meaning to be harsh, just honest about what I think. It sounds like you've got big ideas of where to take this storyline next, I hope it goes well :) Far too wordy.

The first sentence is redundant. I advise changing it to “Atop this hill is where I lost everything precious to me.”
(Everything and anything doesn’t make sense. Would you ever say “I lost anything precious to me” ? That’s just odd.)

“It’s atop this hill where the only reason I kept moving forward stopped pushing me and ceased moving altogether. ”
This is also redundant and awkwardly worded. I’d say you could actually use “lost” again and it would help emphasize the loss.
“It’s atop this hill where I lost my only reason to keep moving forward.”

“It was atop this hill that I decided to find out who did this and it is upon this very hill that I will take them and judge them for what they have done to me…for what they did to her. ”
You switched from “it is” to “it was” it would be best to stick with one or the other. You’re talking about the past, so “was” is ok, but you’re also on the hill now, so “is” is ok also, but don’t switch between the two randomly. Also, I would change “judge” to “punish” because you’ve already judged that they need to pay for what they did, it’s just the punishing or bringing to justice that needs to happen still.

“This time however she wouldn’t move when I nudged her, she would answer when I said her name, and she no longer was there to console me when the tears came.”
Hmm, this doesn’t flow well. First, I think the order of things is odd. If you see someone lying somewhere possibly asleep maybe dead, the first thing you do is call their name, no? I’d switch it around a little to something like “She didn’t answer when I called her name, didn’t respond when I touched her, and now she’s not here to console me when the tears come.”
I don’t care for “and she no longer was there to console me when the tears came” because she actually IS there, she’s just dead. And if she were there alive, you wouldn’t be crying, so it seems odd to say you were crying over someone who is dead and they’re not there to comfort you over their own death.

I don’t think that finding someone dead and sitting with their body smoking is a natural thing to do. Unless it’s during some sort of war where people are getting killed all the time and you already know there’s nothing that can be done, nobody to come take her body to get buried.

“Ever since that day I return to this hill. I return to this hill and I lay down in the spot where I found her. ”
You need to specify how often. You can’t say just, “I return to this hill.” You can say “I return to this hill every day.” Or “I return to this hill every year on the day she was killed.” Or “I have returned to this hill now to think.”
A time needs to be specified though.

There were also some spelling errors but a spell checker can help you with that.

Good luck with your story, I’m not meaning to be harsh, just honest about what I think. It sounds like you’ve got big ideas of where to take this storyline next, I hope it goes well :)

]]> By: The Duck http://languageisavirus.com/questions/i-would-like-a-critique-for-this-rough-draft-im-writing-for-my-creative-fiction-writing-class/comment-page-1#comment-16360 The Duck Sat, 31 Oct 2009 14:52:51 +0000 http://languageisavirus.com/questions/i-would-like-a-critique-for-this-rough-draft-im-writing-for-my-creative-fiction-writing-class#comment-16360 It's wordy, too "showy" (redundancies to appear more dramatic). "Atop this hill is where it happened, where I lost everything and anything precious to me." becomes "Atop this hill, I lost everything precious." "is where it happened" - you later say what "it" is, which is losing everything, so this is unneeded, and you already say where, on the hill "Anything" - if you lost "everything", then it already includes "anything" "To me" - "I" already covers "to me" I also think "on" sounds better than "atop", but both work. Keep an eye out for things like that and chop them out! That's the biggest part of editing. It’s wordy, too “showy” (redundancies to appear more dramatic).

“Atop this hill is where it happened, where I lost everything and anything precious to me.”
becomes
“Atop this hill, I lost everything precious.”

“is where it happened” – you later say what “it” is, which is losing everything, so this is unneeded, and you already say where, on the hill
“Anything” – if you lost “everything”, then it already includes “anything”
“To me” – “I” already covers “to me”
I also think “on” sounds better than “atop”, but both work.

Keep an eye out for things like that and chop them out! That’s the biggest part of editing.

]]> By: cathrl69 http://languageisavirus.com/questions/i-would-like-a-critique-for-this-rough-draft-im-writing-for-my-creative-fiction-writing-class/comment-page-1#comment-16359 cathrl69 Thu, 29 Oct 2009 21:34:34 +0000 http://languageisavirus.com/questions/i-would-like-a-critique-for-this-rough-draft-im-writing-for-my-creative-fiction-writing-class#comment-16359 1) Big blocks of text like this are difficult to read - use paragraphs. 2) Angst for angst's sake is annoying. If you find your girlfriend unresponsive and apparently dead, which of these three are you LEAST likely to do? a) rush for help / to report it if she's obviously dead b) try to revive her c) sit next to her body for hours I'm going for c). You need to think, at every point, "what will this character do in this situation?" Not "I know what happens in the end so my character has to do x now." Your character doesn't know where your story is going. 1) Big blocks of text like this are difficult to read – use paragraphs.

2) Angst for angst’s sake is annoying. If you find your girlfriend unresponsive and apparently dead, which of these three are you LEAST likely to do?
a) rush for help / to report it if she’s obviously dead
b) try to revive her
c) sit next to her body for hours
I’m going for c).

You need to think, at every point, “what will this character do in this situation?” Not “I know what happens in the end so my character has to do x now.” Your character doesn’t know where your story is going.

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