How can I help my 9-year-old be more interesting to his peers?
My son needs help socially. What are boys that age into, besides sports? My son likes fantasy/ science fiction. If I were to give him some pointers on conversation starters, what should I tell him? Are there any games, activities that he could promote on the playground to help him make friends?
- luvchoclat
Tags: Conversation Starters, Fantasy Science Fiction, Friends, Playground, Sports Fantasy
April 9th, 2009 at 9:35 pm
Maybe first of all you should see if your son is happy if he is leave hime be. If not maybe you should talk to his teacher about this, she will be able to tell you better what the children are “into” or maybe she can help him to make friends.
April 10th, 2009 at 8:29 pm
I really think that many boys are just socially retarded naturally. My oldest son was always very quiet and kind of backwards about talking to new people, my girls have always been bubbly and open to making new friends. I think instead of trying to do things to make him more “interesting”, you should encourage him to be himself. What you should be doing is teaching him some friend making skills. I had to do that with my son and now he’s 12 and has lots of friends. We would be out somewhere and I’d see a boy his age and tell my son “Why don’t you go say hello”, he’d look at me like “Wow, that never even occurred to me” and go over and talk. Find ways to teach him the skills. Find ways to build his self esteem. Explain to him that if he’s self conscious, so is everyone else! My son isn’t big on sports either, he played baseball for a few years. He is very into music and he’s gravitated to friends that are into that as well. Give your son the skills, let him be himself and before you know it he’ll have friends that are similar to him. Good luck
April 12th, 2009 at 8:24 am
Try dressing him in better clothes. A new lunch box wouldn’t hurt either. Try making him play outside for a change. He needs to use his imagination a little more. I didn’t play sports either when I was young. But, I had alot of fun drinking and smoking pot with my friends. Maybe he needs to socialize with real people.
April 14th, 2009 at 8:58 pm
does your son want help. Sometimes one or two good friends are better than a bunch. Get him involved in something like scouts to help him make friends. Talk to the teachers about your concerns and encourage him to invite kids home. Friendships help with one on one time away from school
April 15th, 2009 at 10:36 pm
You should let your son be who he wants to be. Don’t ever try to change him, it will make things worse for everyone and he will have problems later on. As long as he is happy and healthy, then there is no need to change him at all.
I think his interests are really good, and they should be encouraged.
If you want him to try to fit in a bit better, could you maybe put him in some clubs (of his interest) or sports teams. If he doesn’t like it he should quit, but it seems that a lot of kids like playing on teams. It would help him make friends and he would gain a lot of confidence.
April 17th, 2009 at 12:20 pm
he will start to notice girls pretty soon now
April 19th, 2009 at 4:37 pm
If your son is happy then let him be, for some reason boys are social retards until they are…..how old is my husband…oh well he is 30 and still on the social dee-de-dee train. If this is something that is not bothering him then he is fine, now if it is bothering him, rather than trying to change him or get him to do something he does not like, look on the internet for groups in your area of children’s activities that he will like to get involved with. That way he can make friends with like minded children, and you may even find parents there that feel like they have the same problem. It also would not hurt to introduce the idea of other activities like karate for instance, but do not force them, and be proud of your son, he is not a follower! Good for you!
April 22nd, 2009 at 7:07 am
I think you should set up play dates for him. Have him invite someone he likes over to play on a Saturday or Sunday. Each weekend he could invite someone different. My son does not like sports but has a neighborhood boy that does so what they do it take turns, they play sports outside for awhile then they come in the house and play game cube, which is what my son likes. He has about 3 boys in the neighborhood and they have learned how to take turns doing what each one of them wants to do. Now my son even signed up for Soccer! Or have a party and invited lots of kids in his class. Just the more he is around kids his age the more he will get use to what is going on in other kids life’s. He does not have to be more interesting he just has to have friends. They don’t have to be the same, but mostly he will click with someone that has the same interests as he does. GOOD LUCK!
April 25th, 2009 at 3:24 pm
you want your son to “become popular” so he can fit in? way to go!
April 26th, 2009 at 2:48 pm
Honestly, what I would do first is not just to push him to make more friends, but ask him this one simple question: Are you happy? This question is always a very good indicator of one’s self-esteem, confidence, and happiness. If he is happy, then that’s all that matters. I’m not saying that you can’t help him socially, but if he’s already (truthfully) happy then you really shouldn’t be worried about this factor too muvh. If he says that he’s not happy, then all you can do is help him the best you can to be happy. I have to agree with the user that said many boys are socially retarded. It seems like that girls are eager and social while some boys are hesitant. I must admit that I was always socially retarded. I’m 13 right now, but I remember from past memories and experiences that I was always a reserved and a different type of person. I was never into sports or any of that. I was a heavy reader, and I was always studying and on the computer. Some people at that time called me “nerdy” and “dorky”, but that’s the nature of kids that age. However, I started to notice a turnaround when I got older. Why? Because people mature as they get older, and because I was friendly to others. I noticed that when I was in fourth grade, it seemed like people weren’t very open or hospitable in social situations. It was just them and their friends and that was it. People always used to talk about one specific topic, and I suddenly realized as you get older these topics diversify greatly. Think about it. Let’s say it was the first day of school for your son. Would you really expect one of his classmatres to say “Hi, __ how was your summer?” I wouldn’t, because I know fpr a fact that nine year olds aren’t necessarily what you would call mature. In my opinion, its really easier to make friends as you get older. People learn to accept you more, and its also because people are more hospitable to meet new people. I don’t think installing traditional, polite conversation starters will do any good for him yet. Most people at nine years old don’t really start a conversation with ice breakers. My advice to you is that you try just to let your son control with who he wants to be with. Maybe you could try to enroll him in a sport or in a club at his school or something like that. There he would probably have a better chance of making friends, rather than you barging in and trying to do the work for him. What you need to do is EXPOSE him to more social situations with other kids his age and let HIM interact how he wants to interact with others. As I said, its a lot harder to make friends when your nine than when your nineteen, right? I’ve always had somewhat of a social anxiety when I was younger, but as you get older it diminishes and you tend to become more aggressive. You tend to be more social and open to new people like a second nature. I’ve learned the hard way that conversation starters don’t work very well at his age. All he can do on that playground is maybe join a game or another group activity. A friend is someone that your friendly with. He doesn’t have to invite him over or associate with him/her all of the time. There’s a good book on the market called “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie, and another good article on the web. (www.wikihow.com/Make-Friends) I hope my advice helped you, and I also advise you to listen to other user’s answers on top of mine. Good luck.
Andrew Sulak
(Suffered with Social Anxiety, overcame it naturally)
P.S. My parents were always trying to push me to make friends. It was unsuccessful. As soon as they gave up, I just started to make friends naturally as I got older. Let your son control his environment and realize that he will surely make more friends when he gets older.
April 29th, 2009 at 5:13 am
The advice so far is good (there’s no need to be a social butterfly — just to be happy), but if your son really doesn’t have any friends at all, then you can definitely help. I have one extremely shy child, and what worked for her (though she was younger) was lots of playdates for practice (many of them were disastrous and painful to watch, but practice eventually made perfect!). Your son isn’t the only one in his school who is not into sports but is into fantasy/ science fiction. Ask him who likes the same stuff as him, and invite those kids over. If he doesn’t know, ask your child’s teacher what other kids might make promising playmates. Also, enroll him in after-school activities that he’s interested in (chess? math? non team-sports like karate, rock-climbing, swimming? art?) where he will find like-minded peers. Does your public library have a book club? Put him in that … or ask them to start a science fiction book club! There’s no point in trying to force a sci-fi afficionado to be best friends with the soccer captain.
Generally, conversation starters won’t help terribly much in developing long-term relationships, but if your son has extreme social troubles, it can help to coach him on things like looking kids in the eye, using a strong voice, being a good listener, and how to join a game that’s already started. Also talk to your teacher and school counselor, who may be able to offer suggestions or even pair your son up for some activities with kids who are likely to be good matches.
April 30th, 2009 at 3:04 am
There is NOTHING to tell him. He doesn’t NEED pointers. If he WANTS to make friends he will. Not every child WANTS to be popular. Leave him alone let him be himself, rather than the child you fantasize him being.